if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum