If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…