@AhmedAllabidy: If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it's a phoenix
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@YourAnMoron: It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were u on the night of the 3rd?" Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape?" Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
@SoLongStephen: First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic.