If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
lot going on here, legally speaking.
yeah not falling for this one
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…