If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
gentlemen, hear me out
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.