If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
mmm onion ringos
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“OMGJK” -atheists
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
This made me chuckle.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
HELP 😭
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy