If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.