If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Dishonest mechanic?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no