If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.