him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*frowns in Scottish*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?