Anime is real
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Every BBC series about the universe.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Stop sending me this shit.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.