Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
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Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
What about a To-Don’t List?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.