mmm onion ringos
You Might Also Like
Every work call, he judges.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.