IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
mmm onion ringos
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton