@senderblock23: If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.
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@GrumpyComments: By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it.
@underchilde: Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your girlfriend about weight gain.
@dumbbeezie: If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
@krisv_723: A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it's filled with everyone's mother-in-laws.