me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn