If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful