If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Home is where your toilet is.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…