If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
…żyje?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”