if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
We need to put an American base on the sun
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
North and South
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!