if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control