If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.