If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him