I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”