I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.