“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
🙀🙀🙀😹
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”