“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Breaking news:
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything