Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
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Appendvi
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Appendviii
Appendix
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.