If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡