If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!