if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded