if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
You Might Also Like
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
This classic never gets old . . .
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.