You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.