discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Wait a minute
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in