“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.