crying
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“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.