Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza