if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.