if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
would Medusa wear a hat
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