If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.