@Ristolable: If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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@Fred_Delicious: [Jumps into taxi] "FOLLOW..." [taxi driver turns around excitedly] "...ME ON TWITTER" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
@SteveSuckington: [on a date] I've got butterflies in my stomach "that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous" [flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys? WIFE: check your pockets ME: nope [phone rings] ME: hello? CIA: check your other pocket
@JessiCanadian: Me: Do you have any mini-ipods in stock? Guy: what color? Me: Any color. Guy: We don't have any. You Sir, have achieved stupid greatness.