If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.