If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
an octopus is just a wet spider
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business