If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
How I’d get arrested…
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
#gardening
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.