If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”