@bridger_w: If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I'll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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@papasuncle: ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
@Brampersandon_: [Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@ThatRascalPuff: No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*
@LeviathanPride: Guys at work are always like "why are your shorts so short?" Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know