If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady