If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
December birthdays be like…
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
become ungovernable
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.