If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Sing it!
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth