If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆