If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The “research” scene in every horror movie
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….