“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Brilliant!
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”