@JennyJohnsonHi5: If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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@TheMichaelRock: Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.
@iwearaonesie: wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
@eric10F: "will you be paying with cash or credit?" "Cash" *start playing "ring of fire" on my kazoo *gets tackled by security*
@jackmackenroth: If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.