@JennyJohnsonHi5: If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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@TheCatWhisprer: [1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know
@badbanana: Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you'll ever eat.
@onelongbender: Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
@KeetPotato: gang leader: "this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store" me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] "you should be more specific"