If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Cake safety first. Always.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad