If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Breaking news:
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
They grow up so quick
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.