If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village