@rickkondell: If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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@PaperWash: teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door] me: ok lol [later] me: hey what the f-
@SortaBad: FRIEND: I'm tired of being poor. I'm gonna turn to a life of crime ME: Dude I'm so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or- THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
@FattMernandez: For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"
@KeetPotato: if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off