If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You Might Also Like
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship